This is Where the Healing Begins

Light SpotThere are no words quite right to express the intense, deep, all-consuming love of God – those few words of admiration are about as good as I can get; they don’t do Him justice, and I don’t think anything we ever say will.

The goodness, the graciousness, the unfailing-ness, all of it is who Jesus is.

However, the most soul-shaking thing about Him that I know is that He is Healer.

It seems very simple at first, but I don’t think we quite understand the extent of His healing reach. The further I go with Him, the more mystery I discover. The further I go with Him, the more refining, burning, breaking, and true healing I find – but it hurts, oh how it hurts.

Let me tell you, coming to a realization of how little you understand the transcendent power of His healing hand, the closer the healing gets. I’m pretty far from the end of the healing, but it is so freeing to be able to say I have begun the process.

Instead of telling you how I think you should go about seeking healing, I’m going to tell you how I’ve stumbled into His healing hands – it’s been a long, long journey, and I’m so very far from finished. Healing is a lifelong journey, and it’s been very little time since I experienced my spirit-shaking, soul-changing breakthrough – there’s so much work to be done, but I’m on my way.

I’m Mad

I’ve heard so much truth – so much truth. I’ve heard I should seek healing for my pain, and I always wondered – how? It actually made me really angry – trying to seek healing but not making any progress because I knew there was something to heal but I didn’t know what it was. Jesus said, “”Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) But I didn’t know how to come to Him! It felt like I was constantly grabbing at empty space – pining after something that eluded me. It seemed like every week, I would witness healing, see breakthrough of the spirit manifest itself so strongly on people it displayed not only in the emotional but in the physical form on many, watch prayer intercede, and see God break and heal and refine and change. Where was my breakthrough?

I kept hearing all about healing and was mad about it because I didn’t know how to get healing to touch me. “Emotions are messages and those wise enough will spend the time required to decipher them.” (Pastor Jordan Verner) This revelation is life-changing, but instead of seeking peace in my frustration, I settled for less than what God had for me. I had no idea what it was like to live free because the shame was too intense. Shame – what an interesting idea. It was about 8 years, maybe even 9, into the wall-building, heart-barricading I had been doing before I realized I was building all the walls with shame that had isolated me and made me afraid. But I was brought to a point of rude awakening – I am so prideful, so prideful. I’ve been so concerned about keeping up my walls and keeping myself safe that I made it all about me. And, oh, how little about me it really is. My walls defined me – I was completely consumed with myself; entirely anxious – and it’s something I’m going to have to work against every single day for the rest of my life.

The Liberty in BrokennessLighting

Finally, I began sharing my story because shame likes to hide in the dark, and when we turn on the light, when we have nothing to hide, shame can’t live in our hearts anymore, so I tried to turn on my light. It was more like a flashlight though. And not even a powerful flashlight – like a key chain flashlight. I would shine it on different points of shame and I would feel so liberated but only for a little while because I didn’t have the courage to light the darkness of my heart up the whole way. Yet God began to do work with my weak little flashlight. Granted, the work He did was so far from the healing He wanted to bestow on me, but I wouldn’t let Him. Imagine the level of healing, of breakthrough, I could be sharing with you now had I listened to and given Him the space He asked for to operate on me so long ago.

Nonetheless, He started shining the light on areas I knew needed light – even though it was so, so weak.

And you know what I’ve learned? The intensity of brokenness is the measure of freedom and breakthrough that can be experienced when healing begins. The intensity of brokenness we allow Him to touch is the intensity of liberation. “God, you always give as much as I can let go, so I will spend all of my time learning how to lose it all; and I will keep my eyes wide open, and I will make this heart of mine hollow for You.” (the SLOW)

I’m walking through this place of darkness, isolation, shame, anxiety, uncertainty, and, funny enough, pride. I’ve always had trouble recognizing my faults – not because I’m unaware of them but because I generally think I’m a good person, and it’s always seemed like other people have thought that too. How damaging to think I could rely on my own weak heart. There is no such thing as good without God, and that’s where I was attempting to operate. Out of my own brokenness, I convinced myself I could create perfection – how far from freedom I was.

I’ve realized something very important about embracing healing – it’s not something you do – it’s a heart posture of allowing truth to get deep. It’s about letting yourself feel the pain instead of shutting down your emotions. There are so many things that go into healing, and this is the beginning: “Inner healing will never take place until you understand that you are broken.” (Pastor Jordan Verner)

Recognizing brokenness and walls and fears and uncertainties are the beginning of the laying down of our guards. This allows our souls to be pulled into the depths of love, the depths of healing and wholeness, that Jesus offers us.

Dancing in Truth – Drowning in Healing

House and BlotchesI’m beginning to recognize my brokenness, and the breakthrough of my realization came when I made myself available to God’s anointing on other people’s lives – when I let them speak truth over me, their gifts produced fruit that God used in the very depths of who I am. When I let God use other people to pour truth over my heart – that’s when I experienced a pinnacle of such an intense spirit of healing over my heart that I felt physical pain because the intensity of the emotions I was feeling was too overwhelming for my heart – imagine being so free, your soul, your body, couldn’t handle it. Imagine that – and it’s just the beginning because there’s a lifetime of greater healing to continue walking in with God.

So, let truth wash over you, soak in it, dance in it, drown in it – drown in healing, in truth, in the arms of the Father.

This is where the healing begins – when I let go. Letting go isn’t as complicated as I thought it would be – it’s just letting truth consume you, sitting in the painful, broken places so God can heal – feel it, know it, give it away in reckless surrender – your brokenness is not the end, it is only the beginning of a beautiful, I’ll be it painful, and intimate journey with Him, and how worth it it is.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

There is healing; there is hope; there is freedom – yes, there is healing; there is hope; there is freedom. I promise you are not alone – you are not the only one struggling with what you are struggling with – you are not weird, unwanted, or unloved – I’m not just saying this; the God of the universe is. If He’s willing to die for you, you are worth receiving healing – we have no idea how deep the current of His love runs.

God whispered something very profound to me the other day – “You think I don’t want to heal that? You think I can’t heal that?” And I was floored by His uncontainable love because in asking that He also whispered – “Because I want to; I can.”

“He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.” (Psalm 107:29)

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With Love,

Hannah

 

 

 

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