It’s been too long! I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for a while! This semester is going wildly, and busy seems to be my word of the month (or rather the year)! I plan to start posting at least twice a month (hopefully much, much more than that, but we’ll set our standards at something I know is achievable for the time being).
Jesus and I have been in an interesting spot lately, and by Jesus and I, I mean mostly I have been in a weird place, and Jesus has just been hanging out, being the best ever while I’m struggling, so here are some of my thoughts on where I am right now:
It’s funny to me how easily we get caught in the dregs of fear and disappointment and just as easily are able to be picked up out of the unease into the arms of a joy-filled, life-breathing Father.
It’s funny to me how quickly I become frustrated with God and distance myself for lack of understanding why things are going the way they are.
It’s funny to me how intensely shame-filling happens in my moments of doubting God and just how quickly it overcomes my time with Him to be anxious leg-bouncing and staring intensely at my closed Bible because I don’t know how to face my uncertainty and fear.
It’s funny to me how well God knows all of it and how little I understand what it looks like to let Him be brutally loving toward me.
That’s what happened on the cross—brutal love. Or “violent love” is another way I’ve heard it said.
That term makes me equal parts excited and unequivocally uncomfortable.
I wonder why those two words don’t really feel like they go together when all the stories I’ve read and fairytales I’ve heard seem to play out by the slaying of a being by a lover so greatly committed to his prize that he is willing to step to the brink of death, or fall into its grasp, without a thought other than first gaining or gaining back his beloved.
I’ve always wanted someone like that.
I’ve always wanted someone to swoop in and “save the day” for me—for the love of my life to enter the picture at the exact right moment and save me. I’ve spent hours day-dreaming about that perfect “one” coming in to the picture, joining hands, and skipping off into the sunset.
The problem is, I’ve overlooked it; I already have that but have been blinded to the significance of the incredibly fairytale-like story that is the Gospel and Christ’s love for me.
How absolutely strange that I have been blinded to such a significant desire that has been fulfilled rather perfectly, albeit incredibly violently.
How absolutely strange that I seem incapable of coming into complete awe and understanding of such a wholistic eternity-change that has just been given to me with no particular effort on my part. In fact, it has been more resistance on my part than anything else.
It has become easy for me to see what I do not have and neglect the greatness of the very perfect, only-thing-I-could-ever-want-or-need gift that has been handed to me.
Not to say there is no work required on my end after I accept the gift—if I’m really allowing Holy Spirit to be working in my life, there is an outpouring from that place of immense Love. But there is still a shockingly small amount required from me upon being handed the gift of Christ.
Come as you are.
Come as I am? That seems absurd. Isn’t there something You want me to do? Shouldn’t I at least try to prove myself as good enough in some way?
Come as you are.
In such a performance driven culture, “come as you are” seems, frankly, completely stupid, and why in the name of all good things would anyone with such a gift to give require nothing of me but to love Him back? It is oh so strange.
Because He does require that we lay down our lives, but in doing so we gain them?
He is asking us to give Him everything, but we get everything back better than it was before.
It makes no sense—it’s absolutely confusing.
How loved are we; God as man, covering everything, comes with open arms to the failing and flailing about little me to say, “Come Daughter, there is more.”